The Meat Tragedy

This is a short story I made. It's pretty ridiculous, but enjoy. And remember to ignore spelling mistakes and such. I didn't proofread.

Chapter 1
    Another horrid day out. Well, for me anyway. Ugh... Sunlight. Who needs it... Rain! There's a better option. It smells good. It sounds better than even the most revered musical compositions in the world. You can stand under it and then later you don't even have to take a bath. Not like I can take a bath on this god forsaken piece of crap boat. That's right I'm on a boat. A horrible smelly boat that can only be considered manageable to be on when it is raining.



    "Meat!" yelled Piotr, "get the freaking crap out here!"

    And so it starts. Another day of getting bossed around by that moron Piotr Mansonite, idiot detective. Everyone thinks that he's a great detective just because he 'solved' over 40 cases. What people don't know, though, is that it's actually me who always solves the cases. Every single one, Piotr fumbles over the facts again and again until I put the pieces together for him, quite easily in fact. This leads me to only one possible outcome: Piotr Mansonite is a freaking moron.

    "Holy potato, Meat!" screamed Piotr with the fury of 12 suns, "what the crap is taking you?!"

    I should tell you a bit about myself. My name is Mitsuki Magilligan. Girl of eight and three quarters. I don't have much memory about my childhood, although I can remember that I haven't always lived with Piotr. I remember my Father. I remember watching him cry as Piotr carried me off. I have no idea why I had to be separated from my father. Piotr treats me like a slave and he's always got me doing the most mundane of things. Enough of the sad stuff... My hobbies include reading, solving puzzles, eating all types of food, and studying.

    "Meat, if you don't come out from that cabin this instant my head is going to freaking explode!" roared Piotr.

    I'd better get up there before Piotr explodes then.

    "Didn't I tell you that I hate the name Meat? Will you please stop calling me that? How about you try Mitsuki?! Just for once!" I said, "and what's this nonsense about your head hurting? It's not like your brain is big enough to account for pressure in there or anything..."

    Piotr sat there in his stupid tie. He thought that it made him appear more detective-like. I really hated that hat. He had his feet up on the center console and he had that stupid grin on his face. I hated that grin more than anything. It's equivalent to chewing on wood.

    "Meat, this is pretty serious," said Piotr in an urgent tone of voice, "Why else would I be calling you in such an urgent tone of voice? Look here. This letter was just delivered by homing pigeon. Here, read it. It's pretty scary to think about."

    I took the paper from his hands. The note was written in a very sloppy manner. It read as follows:

    You fool. You think I have time to deal with your nonsense? I have planted a bomb on your person Mr. Piotr, and it is scheduled to go off in exactly thirty days. Good luck finding the bomb and survivving.
                signed, MP

    This MP guy spelt 'surviving' incorrectly, I noticed. I lowered the letter and saw that Piotr still had that retarded grin on his face. I couldn't concentrate like this. I turned around. I thought.

    "Piotr, have you checked your clothes?" I asked him first.

    "Of course I checked my clothes. What do you think I am, dumb?" replied Piotr.

    I tried to resist the urge to answer that question. It was hard. I thought some more. The letter clearly said that it was on his person. If the sender of the letter wanted to simply kill Piotr then he would have just put a bomb on the boat. But since this is not the case, he must be specifically targeting Piotr. This guy must really want Piotr to suffer. I thought some more.

    If the bomb was not on Piotr's person then there are only two more options.

    "Piotr, there are two options," I said, "Either this letter is a horrible prank, or the bomb has been placed into your skull."

    "My skull?!" rebounded Piotr.

    "Yes, remember last year when you had your brain operation?"

    "Indeed I do."

    "Well, If I remember correctly, we have put many evil doctors behind bars. If one of those doctors was released from prison or had used their contacts, they could have somehow gotten a bomb inserted into your cranium."

    "I see..." said Piotr sadly, "So, what do we do?"

    I turned to him to see that same stupid grin on his face.

    "We go to a doctor and we get that lump of a head examined!" I yelled, happy to finally have a reason to get off of this boat and back onto land.












Chapter 2
    The inside of Doctor Chang’s office had a funny smell, just as I remembered it. It smelled like rainbows and peanut butter. But, me being a young girl of only Nine and three-quarters years old, I figure that I’m still not sure of all the smells in the world, and therefore I haven’t yet had a chance to smell a rainbow like other older folk have. Besides the smell, Chang’s office was quite well kept. Stacks of binders next to organizing shelves; folders lined up neatly on his desk.

    Chang walked into the room with confidence, however once he saw Piotr his shoulders fell, and his head went down. Something about this guy is fishy I thought. Chang sat down at his desk and Piotr had that stupid grin on his face, but this was different. It seemed like this face was on a whole new level of stupid.

    Suddenly, quick as a whip, Piotr stood up and whipped out his revolver. The gun hovered over Chang’s desk and pointed directly at Chang’s head. Chang rebounded and flung his floppy body along with his chair against the wall.

    “Make it quick, Chang! I know what you’re up to! Hand over the post MRI images from my operation and I won’t kill you!” screamed Piotr.

    I tried to calm him, “Piotr! What in the world are you doing?! You and your stupid antics are going to get us killed, or worse, thrown out of the hospital!”

    “Shut up Meat. This is none of your business. This guy has those files and he’s giving them to me one way or another,” said Piotr more calmly.

    I slowly put my hand over Piotr’s gun and pushed it downward. The last thing I need is a dead M.D. on my hands. Piotr’s eyes quickly glanced over and met mine. By the time his eyes shifted back to Chang, his normal goofy grin had returned. What’s wrong with this guy? He seems more insane than normal.

    “Now Dr. Chang, Please return my medical files to me and nobody will be harmed. Oh, and don’t forget that you have children,” demanded Piotr.

    “Y-You leave my children out of this. Here are your medical files,” responded Chang. He opened a draw behind the desk where neither Piotr nor I could see, all the time keeping his eyes on us. He began to reach down when Piotr raised his gun and put a bullet in the arm that Chang was reaching with.

    I was in shock. I couldn’t move. My body was shaking. Piotr had just shot this man. What was he thinking? Piotr noticed my shaking and yet seemed to ignore me, all the time keeping his eye on the writhing Chang who was now laying on the floor.

    “Relax Meat. He was going for a gun,” said Piotr.

    “He was only going to grab your medical files, you moron!” I screamed.

    I’ve never had the best reflexes. But that’s what made us such a good team. I was the brains that could solve any crime if I had a chance to sit and think about it. And Piotr could shoot a light bulb at 1000 feet with only one eye open and in the pitch dark. It was one of his very few redeeming qualities.

    “There are 3 reasons why I shot this man, Meat. Let me explain. Number 1, when you’re going to reach for a file in a draw, you reach overhand. This man had his hand positioned in an awkward sideways position which can only lead me to believe that he was about to grab a gun.” Piotr continued, all the while Chang continued to grunt, “Number 2, Chang is a very organized man, so why would he reach into his desk for a file when he clearly has this cabinet labeled ‘patient files’ near his door?”

    I looked around the room. There was indeed such a cabinet by the door. Amazing I thought to myself. Piotr has never been able to reason like this. Why now of all times are his abilities starting to shine?

    “And what is the final reason?” I asked.

    “Right. Reason number 3: Reasons numbers 1 and 2 should not be ignored. Basically, the first two reasons were already enough evidence to convict Chang of his crime to be.” concluded Piotr.

    I kind of looked at him like he was an idiot, but I had no time for making fun of Piotr, I had to get over to that draw in the desk and confirm that there was a gun. Sure enough, on top of the files there was a mini pistol. I picked it up and was ready to inspect it when I noticed the files underneath because they were quite bulky. There was a marked that read ‘Special Cases’ and the first file I pulled up was a considerably bulky one with the name ‘Piotr Mansonite’ printed on the tab.

    As I stared in shock, I looked up, with my wide eyes, and saw Piotr and his dumb grin. He lowered his gun. I looked over at Chang. He wasn’t moving. We took the file and left the building.